Sorry, mom, but this post isn’t very lady like. Some of you may know that my tummy follows suit with my brain and is all over the place chaotic. In layman’s terms, the little movers in my intestine don’t know which is up and which is down, so it likes to move my food around forwards and backwards. Basically, what that means to me is I try not to eat a lot of junk food or fried food that hurts my tummy, I take medicine every day for it, and I have seen the bathroom of nearly every location I have been since I was 17 years old. This has made me an expert on all things loo.
George Washington, as I found out this past week while visiting Mount Vernon, called his The Necessity. Not to be confused with Fort Necessity, which was the location of George Washington’s only military surrender. Gastric surrender is not the same as military surrender. How inconvenient that it was so far from the house! I mean, I have seen out-houses before, but I guess after walking through Mount Vernon with all the “modern conveniences” that it had for its day, imported carpets, rugs and brightly painted walls trimmed with hand painted faux mahogany pine, I was forced to think how terrible it would be to make a 3 AM potty run in January. The President’s Potty was definitely not up to my standards.
Then there are the oddities of “modern” toilets. In the Portland Oregon Airport and also the Oregon Convention Center, they have green handled toilets with some directions to pull up for “light duty” or push down for “heavy duty.” While I understand the water conservation aspect, the light duty flush sort of freaks me out. What if it doesn’t really get all of the previous person’s leftovers out of the water? I don’t want to go to the bathroom in someone else’s dirty water! I always use the heavy duty flush, even though I know it is socially irresponsible. It makes me feel a little guilty, but I refuse to let a toilet make me feel too badly about myself. The other modern inconvenient water closet feature is the automatic flushing toilet. There’s the overzealous ones that won’t even let you put down a seat cover without quickly whisking it away or its opposite lazy bum version that waits until long after you leave the stall to kindly remove your deposit. However, I think the worst part about the auto-flushers is that there is no way to courtesy flush. If you are forced to make an unpleasant aroma, it makes it much more embarrassing when you can’t flush it away before it has too much air time.
Now a modern potty I can totally get behind is the airplane potty. Sure, it’s a little cramped and creepy to think about where everything goes when you are done, but I am quite a fan of the fact that it sucks and flushes everything out so effectively, including any lingering stink. I’m also quite keen on some of the newer models of “traditional” thrones that are pressurized to remove everything quickly rather than the whole gross swirl and drop.
I can tell you what Johns are the best to stop for, and the ones where you would be better off stopping on the side of a freeway during rush hour than going in to. Here’s a run-down. Circle C in Nephi is always filthy, but they have automatic toilets, sinks, paper towel dispensers, and no door, which means no nasty doorknob, so you can leave almost completely germ free. My favorite bathrooms are at Little America or Grand America because you have your own little marble palace of solace for your business. I also quite like the bathroom outside of the gate to Disneyland. Nobody ever uses it, and it’s HUGE! So clean, so cute, and also likely to be private. Plus, the honeycomb tile on the floor is fun to make patterns with in your head while you’re otherwise indisposed. Never use a department store bathroom unless it is Nordstrom’s. For some reason, they always smell bad and have terrible, yellow lighting. If you have to ask for a key to use the bathroom, it isn’t because the bathroom is nice. It actually means that they never clean it, and the seat is guaranteed to be freezing because they don’t heat that space of the building. Try not to use church bathrooms, either, because there is always the smell of poopy diapers and your hands will smell like stinky church soap for days. Dyson hand blowers are the best and the Mitsubishi knock off takes just as long to dry your hands as regular hand dryers. Oh, and studies show that the stall LEAST used is the first one, so always try to nab it.
Now you’re privy to my privy knowledge. Here’s to great CoComodes in your future!