So you’re supposed to immunize by 2, get boosters before elementary school and high school, then you can try to keep yourself from stepping on rusty nails so you can avoid needing a tetanus shot.  There’s also the optional flu shots and the random vaccines you need if you travel internationally.  Vaccines have been able to basically eradicate diseases like small pox, and make annoying diseases like chicken pox no longer a childhood rite of passage.  However, some “diseases” are still lacking their cure in a syringe. There’s a disease that is apparently running rampant and is specifically a problem in the Mormon culture.  This disease has side effects that are easily misdiagnosed.  They include, but are not limited to:

• Independence
• Happiness
• Self-sufficiency
• High self worth
• Sitting in restaurants alone
• Freedom to travel/explore/read/ do whatever one desires
• Lack of commitment/ Lack of desire to commit
• Ability to sleep in whatever position suits you in whatever part of the bed you want

This disease is known as Single Marital Status.  I want to be clear that this disease is not contagious, but that those who are afflicted with it must be treated in a specific manner while in a “church” setting.  You must not let them make decisions on their own.  You must treat them as if they were still in their teenage years, and make sure you speak in slow sentences with a condescending tone, to make sure they understand you.  You should never expect that they could possibly be as mature or as knowledgeable as married/widowed/divorced people, especially when it comes to general life skills.  You can consider any testimony they claim to have about the church to be null and void if they aren’t attending three hours of church, Monday night ward home evening, at least one weekly institute class, AND any other random ward or stake sanctioned activity that comes up.  If their dress and appearance isn’t “missionary standard,” you can freely judge their morality or lack thereof.  Definitely make sure you comment weekly on how great they sound singing when you set aside time for a hymn and find someone to play for them (if you don’t, they might not understand that this is a traditional singing time set aside in church meetings).  Finally, you must ask them and perpetually pester them about their affliction with this disease.  After all, if you don’t, they might forget they have it and never find a cure!

I want to come clean, here.  I have been afflicted with this disease now for 29 years.  The unfortunate thing is, I actually love my life, even if I am so afflicted.  Despite all odds, I am a generally happy and content person who finds joy in learning about myself and keeping myself company.  I function at a high level  in mainstream society.  I am able to drive, work, pay taxes, vote, pay bills, rent a car… I could buy as much alcohol and tobacco as my heart desires, if my heart so desired, which it does not.  I have been able to make many serious life decisions all on my own, and surprisingly can even get myself dressed in the morning and remember to put on my underwear AND brush my teeth!  All without a reminder from my mommy!  Sure, I eat a lot of quesadillas and meals out, because cooking for one is not fun, but I can honestly say that is the only pitfall I have with this disease when I am in the normal world.  In fact, nobody seems to even notice this disease unless I am at church.

It’s a very curious thing.  The place I go to heal my soul and build a relationship with God is the one place that I ever feel like there is anything wrong with me at all.  I know God loves me.  I truly do love myself, warts and all (I actually don’t have warts, but you know, for a dramatic effect, say I do).  I do not need anyone else in my life to make me happy.  I am happy on my own, and when other people decide to join the ride for a bit, I welcome the company.  Do you think perhaps it is not ME with the problem?  Do you think perhaps I am not actually afflicted with a disease any more than Joe Versus the Volcano was afflicted with a brain cloud?  Maybe, just maybe it is (GASP) ignorant mainstream members of the church who are afflicted with something called prejudguitis.  If that is the case, have I got a vaccine for you!  It’s called the, “I am an adult, no matter what my marital status is and you can mind your own business regarding my personal life and my decisions” vaccine.  You will also need a booster of “who are you to tell me what is right for me and my life.  You made your decisions, let me make mine.”  Some women afflicted with prejudguitis sometimes will also need the cocktail of, “my worth is not determined by the amount of children I have yet to bare.  Stop talking to me in your Minnie Mouse voice and tilting your head at me in sympathy or else I will punch you in your perfectly plastic nose.”

Look, we all have our own paths that we are stumbling down as we try to navigate this trail called life.  I had the fortunate opportunity to grow up in a place where I felt a true feeling of love, acceptance, and community.  I also have many exceptionally strong women in my family and pedigree.  I hope to be able to join the clan of the strong someday.  Ever since I went to BYU and then moved to Salt Lake, I have had an increasingly hard time with the way single people in “the church” are treated here.  So much problem that I have gone through spouts of complete inactivity simply to protect my testimony and belief of the Gospel that the church is based upon (ok, and because sometimes in the summer, the pool just calls to me, and in the winter, I get the occasional mad craving for Sunday Brunch food).  If you read this and get a laugh, great.  But, what I hope you get out of this is how absurdly single people are treated in the Mormon culture and do your part to make it a little better.  If you’re not sure how to do that, look to the Presidency and the Twelve.  They do a great job setting an example of how to treat us as normal.  If you are one of the singles reading this, please, for all that is good and holy, love yourself.  Nothing is wrong with you.  Every pot has a lid, even the cracked ones, and you will find yours when you are supposed to.